THE ATHEIST (the metamorphosis)

At a time when humanity faces several changes, in several spheres: political, moral, spiritual, economic; questionings arise in the hearts of several people who ask themselves, "is there really, a God who is in the heavens, watching everything that happens in this world?" And the questions that arise are: is there a superior being that assists us? Why does He allow suffering? Couldn't this superior, powerful being rid us of all evil? Could God have created a kind of "labyrinth" to play with all humanity, watching their suffering and despair throughout history? Would God really have an enemy? And was this supposed enemy of God so strong, that it was not destroyed?

Where are the answers to these questions? Who has the explanations for these doubts and questionings? Will everything be clarified one day? When? How? By whom? Are we really the "fruit of chance"? Did we come into this world in vain? Where did we come from? Where do we go? Is death the final stage of every being? Is there really a "salvation"? Is there really a "savior"? Is there a solution for this world? Is there a remedy for humanity? The truth is that philosophers, thinkers, intellectuals, and ordinary people have emerged in all parts of the world with these questions. And all these people have something in common: they want answers to their questions.

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I will explain to you why I became an atheist. I hope you understand me, but if it is not possible, that is fine. The important thing is that I will feel more "relieved" when I open up and put out what I think. By the way, it has been a long time since I have sought people's approval regarding what I think about life in this world. Well, I used to believe in miracles. I do! There was a time in my life when I believed in the "supernatural". I accepted many things that happened "without explanation". I was not in the habit of questioning whether they were real or not. It made no difference to me. I attended church, sang in the choir, gave offerings, did charity work, and felt very good about it. I invited people to Sunday services, I talked to people, wanting to understand them and help them solve their problems. I always gave good advice to young people and tried to comfort old people when I visited a nursing home. And this did me a lot of good. You have no idea how pleased I was that I could contribute a little bit to making someone happy.

I always knew that paying attention to people is very important. Because, if we stop to analyze, someone who is thinking about suicide, for example, doesn't really want to kill himself; he's just trying to solve his problems. They just want to get rid of their demons. I realized this when I visited recovery homes, or rehabilitation centers for drug addicts. There, I saw that many addicts wanted to get rid of their demons, no matter what. Some were calmer, others more aggressive. But they all had one thing in common: the desire to be happy! I had faith in God, you can believe it. I read the Holy Bible regularly and never doubted the veracity of the biblical texts. I always had a word for people who were bitter in spirit. I reached out my hand to many unknown people. I didn't care about the color of their skin or their financial condition. I considered all people equal, without prejudice or discrimination. I was a simple person, with no luxury, no vanity, no frills. I didn't choose friends out of interest or with ulterior motives.

In the church, I was always involved in various projects. We went out to take food baskets to needy families. And in many humble houses, we met people who don't want much in life. They just want the basics to live a simple life. I saw the joy of the children when Christmas came. The brothers of the church would bring them some toys and a glow of happiness would appear on their faces. An innocent, pure happiness, without malice. Even in conditions of extreme poverty, there are people who do not lose their essence, they continue being human. I don't forget those scenes, where the eyes of the needy children were filled with joy. And for a moment, in those humble houses, the magic of Christmas brought peace and harmony.

I also witnessed the tears of many parents who, without a job, without financial resources to support their families, were in despair. We were also very sad when we heard about a father who committed suicide, feeling a great failure in the face of difficulties. Then I would think: "how many suicides could have been avoided if only people would make more effort to end social inequality around the world. I believe that it would be possible if everyone wanted to help their neighbor with love and a sincere heart. Wow, I have seen so much in this life!

But, unfortunately, in churches, I have observed many things that made me reflect and wonder if those who call themselves "brothers of faith" are really real people. Many times, when I received a lot of criticism and offenses, I started to question myself if I was really in the right place. Time went by and several things happened and I started to get worn out and stopped to reflect: "does God really exist?" "where is God?"

I was losing faith in people, after numerous episodes in my life, where people treated me totally different from the way I treated them. I never wanted to be "flattered" or to have a lot of "helpers" around me. I was never one to victimize myself.

I also never liked to open up to people in order for them to view me with "pity". That was never my style. But when we give ourselves, without reservations, to help people, the least we expect in return is respect, affection and consideration. And when this doesn't happen, we become frustrated, sad and bitter. But I learned that this is how human beings are. Each person has his or her own nature and behaves in a certain way when faced with complicated situations. I know myself and my limits. I know how far I can go.

I don't even know if the correct term is "losing faith". But I confess, I became discouraged and stopped being that "good" person for everybody, and being "available" all the time. All I know is that I started to doubt many things that before I didn't make a point of knowing if they were real or not. I began to doubt the existence of God. In my heart, many doubts and questions began to arise about the real existence of a supposed God who is in heaven. I changed and started to question everything and everyone. The contempt of people, the lack of empathy, the neglect, the lack of respect, the abandonment, the oblivion, transformed me little by little. I began to doubt that there is a God in heaven. I would sometimes ask myself, "how can God watch all the sufferings of man and woman in this world and do nothing?"

These and other questions were born in my heart full of sorrows, resentment, doubts and rebellion. Then I stopped going to church on Sundays, I no longer wanted to be with the "brothers of faith". I started to question everything all the time. I started to doubt the biblical texts and went looking for information in other sources. I questioned myself, if the texts that spoke of "healings", "miracles", "wonders", and "prodigies" were real. I became a skeptic, an unbeliever, an atheist. But not just any atheist. Not an ordinary atheist. I became an atheist rebelling against the God of the Bible!

What revolted me the most was the fact that I knew we were supposed to love an invisible God, who allows the suffering of mankind, without doing anything. This started to bother me a lot. I kept thinking, on a daily basis, "how can a God who is supposed to sit on a throne in a heavenly place, having all power in his hands, not care about millions of people dying of hunger, in wars, from diseases, plagues, viruses, plagues, murdered or committing suicide? But today, all the time, I ask myself: "Where is God?" "Where is this God?" "Why is there so much suffering?" For if God is not with the crack addict, is not with the beggars on the streets, is not with the prostitutes; where is he?

Where is God who watches the homeless, turning through garbage cans looking for food? Why does God silently watch the suffering of many desperate mothers, with their children enslaved by drugs? Where is the God who did not save the premature baby from death? What sin is there in a defenseless creature to die so soon? Where is the God who attends the children in the cancer hospital, knowing that many of them will die?

How can there be a God who allows this? I have my questions.

Do not come to throw stones at me, nor come to judge me. For I ask questions to understand, where was God, who did not save Abel from death; but allowed him to be murdered, cowardly, by his brother Cain? Where was God while Pharaoh oppressed and enslaved the poor Hebrews in Egypt? What kind of God is this who watches suffering and does nothing? Where was God when Delilah deceived Samson, making a fool of him? Where was God who didn't deliver the city of Jerusalem from the Roman invasion; letting its terrible destruction and the bloody massacre of the Jews take place in A.D. 70?

Where was God who allowed Adolf Hitler to come to power in Germany and kill about 13 million people, among them, 6 million Jews, "the chosen people", according to the Jewish scriptures? Why didn't God protect the Lutheran pastor Dietrich Bonhoeffer, who was planning to kill Adolf Hitler, and thus prevent millions of people from being exterminated in the Nazi holocaust? Why did God allow this pastor to be caught, tortured and killed by the Nazis, while Hitler and his diabolical agents were cruel to millions of innocent people?

Why didn't God kill Adolf Hitler? In fact, why didn't God kill Lucifer in heaven?

Is it a sin to question this?

Does it offend anyone to want to know these things?

Why does God allow suffering?

Where was God while Saul of Tarsus, a fanatical Pharisee, was ravaging the church, persecuting and killing Christians because of their faith in Jesus Christ? Why did so many deaths occur "in the name of God"? Was all this really necessary? I have my doubts. Why, God, the Nazi eugenics? Selecting a "pure race" and killing those who, according to Hitler's opinion, should be murdered so as not to "contaminate" the elect. Where was God while Josef Mengele, "the Nazi angel of death," was performing absurd operations and cruel experiments on human beings? Why did the evolutionist ideas of Charles Darwin influence so many evil men who wanted to create a "superior race"?

Where was God in the 9/11 tragedy?

Where was God, when the nuclear bombs hit Japan, falling on Hiroshima and Nagasaki? Answer me, God, are we dead trees?

Could the disaster at Chernobyl have been avoided?

What about the massacre of indigenous peoples, in the United States, Mexico, Canada, Bolivia, Chile, Colombia, Ecuador, Peru, and Brazil? Why so many massacres and bloodshed? Why exterminate these indigenous peoples? Are gold, silver and money more important than human life?

And the extermination in Africa, in Rwanda; the German genocide in Namibia; the holocaust in Africa, whose responsible people were Europeans and Arabs. Did God not see all this?

What about the farce of space travel, which rakes in billions of dollars every year? How long will people continue to be deceived by NASA and other space agencies, who hide the flat earth? Why the farce of man on the moon?

Why did God allow Karl Marx to publish his communist theses with Engels? Why weren't such plans thwarted? Why weren't his writings lost, as happened to many religious writings throughout history? Why do ungodly and wicked men manage to write and publish their dirty and diabolical ideas? Wouldn't God be watching all this? Being omniscient and omnipresent, wouldn't God know, beforehand, the negative effects that such publications would cause? So why allow evil to spread everywhere?

Why did God allow the rise of the Soviet Union, with Vladimir Lenin and Josef Stalin, killing millions of people, without any mercy? Why did God watch the great bloodshed in the communist countries and do nothing? Why did God allow cruel men to destroy churches, burn bibles, imprison priests, pastors, rape nuns, shoot bishops, and kill innocent children, "in the name of communism"?

Why did God allow hundreds of people to be sent to the forced labor camps, known as "gulags", in Siberia; where inmates were punished with physical and psychological torture and had to face terrible cold? Why did God allow Pol Pot, the leader of the Communist Party in Cambodia, to establish a bloody dictatorship and exterminate another 1.5 million people by 1979? Why didn't God prevent Mao Zedong, the communist dictator, from killing more than 70 million people in China in a cowardly way? Why didn't God prevent Enver Hoxha from implanting communism in Albania and killing many Christians? Why did Fidel Castro and Che Guevara together kill hundreds of people in Cuba "in the name of communism"?

Why did God allow Ho Chi Minh to divide Vietnam, through a communist coup that left several people dead? And why did God, being the Lord of all, not prevent the Soviet Union and the United States from providing armaments to generate a bloody war between people in their own country? Why did God allow the division of Belarus, Germany, Korea and China, by communism? Why did He allow so many bloody conflicts in Asia, Europe, Africa, North America, South America and Latin America? Why did God allow the communist dictator Nicolae Ceaucescu to imprison, torture and kill many Christians in underground prisons in Romania? Did God not hear the cries of the afflicted in communist prisons? Did God not see the whole "brainwashing" process that dictators were doing on people? Why did God allow Mohammed to appear to deceive the Arab Muslims, with his supposed "vision of the Archangel Gabriel", calling them to create a "new religion"? Why did so many Islamic radicals arise to kill innocent people, who have nothing to do with their cause?

Why so many terrorist attacks, "in the name of Allah", spreading chaos and fear all over the world? Who is behind all this? Why do Muslims want to implant, by force, the so-called "Sharia law", which determines beheadings and mutilations of body parts, as a punishment for "infidels" and "heretics"?

How was it that God and his angels could watch all the catastrophic events in the history of mankind, keeping quiet? How was it that they did nothing to prevent millions of people from being killed by communism, Nazism and fascism? And the people praying and asking for mercy, knowing that they would die at the hands of these cruel and bloodthirsty men; didn't they deserve to be listened to and protected? Didn't they trust in God? Didn't they put their hopes in a divine being? But where was God in their difficult times? Where is this God who seems to flee from my questions? Come out, God? Shall we talk? Why did God allow the slavery of black people all over the world? Why were they so humiliated in every country? Why did God watch thousands of blacks being forcibly removed from Africa, their homeland, and scattered throughout Asia, Europe and America? Where was God who did not stop all the barbarities committed against the black people, who were stolen from Africa? Why didn't God protect Malcolm X, delivering him from his murderers? Why did God allow the cowardly killing of the Baptist pastor, Martin Luther King Jr., who had a dream of seeing the United States of America eliminate racism and all kinds of prejudice? Why did God let the pacifist, Mahatma Gandhi, be assassinated? Wasn't he the man of peace, dialogue and non-violence? And why were so many other pacifists and good people killed?

Where is this God who watches silently many feminicide crimes? Why does God allow women to be murdered by cruel men? And what about the various psychopaths and Serial-Killers who are spread all over the world, killing people with the utmost cruelty? Has God never cared about this? Why did God allow Mark Chapman to kill John Lennon, in cold blood, in cowardice?

What about the psychopathic killer Ted Bundy, who confessed to killing 36 women during his lifetime; and who knew the psychological techniques of persuasion to attract women, couldn't he have been eliminated before all these murders? What about the American actress Sharon Tate, eight months pregnant, who was murdered along with her friends, in her home, by Charles Manson's gang? What about the LaBianca couple, murdered by the same gang of hippies? Why didn't God prevent these deaths? What about the murderer Ed Gein, who inspired the character "Norman Bates" in the movie "Psycho"? Did no one have the courage to stop his crimes? What about serial killer Richard Speck, who cowardly killed 8 nurses? Why didn't any of those women have the courage to kill that evil guy? Why didn't God give them the strength and courage to escape death? What about José Antonio Rodríguez, known as "El Mataviejas", the serial killer who killed 16 elderly women in Spain? Couldn't God have prevented these deaths? What about the serial killers in Japan, like Sataro Fukiage, Tsutomu Miyazaki, Takahiro Shiraishi, and the midwife Miyuki Ishikawa, who became a serial killer; killing 103 children? Where was God who allowed these barbarities? I ask once again, "why didn't the God of the Bible kill the Devil?" Why did he allow his "arch-enemy" to continue spreading so much evil throughout the world, after the war that took place in heaven? Would God be afraid of the Devil, or would he have any fear of eliminating him altogether? Would the Devil have the same strength as the all-powerful God? Would they be rivals with the same potential? I can't understand the reason for not eliminating the originator of all evil; allowing him to continue spreading his hatred and destruction everywhere. I really don't understand this. Wouldn't it be easier for the God of the Bible to eliminate and destroy evil?

Why did God allow Lucifer to rebel in the heavenly realm and seduce a third of the angels? And so, today we live in a completely hostile, violent, sick, chaotic, perverse, dark and scary world. Why didn't God exterminate all the rebellious angels? For the evil that plagues us today could have been eliminated millennia ago. But the God of the Bible allowed evil to spread in such a way that mankind is deteriorating day by day. Man is becoming worse, daily! And from what we have seen, there is no remedy for it.

God, answer me, does mankind have a future?

What about the Catholic Inquisition? Was God really using popes and priests to judge, condemn and even murder people who did not want to be Catholic? Was this the will of a superior being living in heaven? Were the popes given the right to kill? Was the Catholic Church instituted to kill "heretics" at the stake? Was this a demonstration of "divine love" toward the "pagans"? Was it this God of the Bible who ordered the death of Joan of Arc in France, and of so many other anonymous women, accused of being "witches", for knowing the benefits of medicinal plants? What a beautiful way to convert new believers to the "holy church"! And what about pedophile priests? Is God blessing these monsters who rape innocent children inside their churches? And the thieving and corrupt pastors? Those who, "in the name of God", defraud and rob their faithful; deceiving them with false speeches, false promises, false revelations and prophecies? Pastors who commit adultery and divorce, leaving behind their legitimate wife and marrying a younger, younger, prettier woman. Where is God's punishment for them? Where is God who allows all this? I read the whole Bible, from cover to cover, I studied theology and philosophy; I knew history. But I witnessed many scandals in religious institutions, and so I became an atheist! I saw many children being mistreated in Catholic orphanages. That revolted me. For they used the name of God, in vain. They pretended a love that they didn't have in their hearts. So hostile people, they treated the poor children with arrogance, stupidity and violence. And everything I saw made me want to run away from all kinds of "religiosity". I became averse to everything related to religion, to faith; when I looked at things with different eyes. I can no longer believe in God. A God that exists and watches people suffer, as if nothing is happening. A God that knows and knows everything and everyone, but doesn't manifest himself to solve what is wrong. On the contrary, he puts on a "landscape face!" A God who knows how abortion and euthanasia clinics work; who knows how the whole organized crime scheme works; who knows the number of abortions worldwide. And knows that it is frightening! But, he does nothing to stop this "silent holocaust" that decimates millions of fetuses. A God who sees the unborn being torn apart by a needle or sharp scissors, but does not help the poor victims. What kind of God is this? A God who does not act to stop all this carnage - which the media tries to hide on a daily basis - cannot be taken seriously. At least I think so. And how can we think otherwise, seeing the alarming data on abortion, rising every day?

Am I exaggerating? Am I being crazy for raising these questions? I follow the research in the media, and I also go to serious sources to make sure of everything that is happening in the world. I like to be curious! And I never tire of asking, "what is this God?" What is this God who allowed the "Black Death", and watched over 75 million people die in the 14th century in ancient Eurasia? What is this God who allowed "Cholera", "Smallpox", "Spanish Flu", "Swine Flu", "Ebola", and the recent "Covid-19" pandemic worldwide? Where was God during these tragic events? Why did millions of people not reach for His mercy to escape, alive, from these diseases and illnesses that ravaged the world? Thousands of people felt abandoned, forgotten, betrayed, by a God who had always promised to love and care for them. What kind of God is this that millions of people seek in their religions? What kind of God is this that watches rockers tearing up the Bible and debauching his word in their concerts? and observes, from afar, groups of Satanists mocking the Christian faith? What kind of God is this that watches men in politics, cheating, stealing, extorting, lying and even killing for money? Where is the punishment for them? Where is the punishment for all those who do everything of their own free will? Where is the punishment for those who have the power in their hands and steal the money from orphans and widows, through "measures" and political maneuvers? Where is the punishment for the unjust and wicked? Why are they not punished severely?

What kind of God is this that blesses a millionaire and allows the poor to suffer hunger and financial difficulties, and watches social inequality from afar? What kind of God, being holy and pure, watches men and women in the porn industry, dishonoring their bodies in prostitution; practicing abominations for the greed of money and does nothing? Why is God silent about all these things? What kind of God is this that doesn't free the crack addicts? Doesn't He see the deplorable situation of those poor drugged "zombies"? Is God not listening to the prayers of thousands of distressed mothers, worried about their children in addictions and in the traffic? What kind of God allowed Emperor Nero to throw many faithful Christians into the Coliseum in Rome to be devoured by hungry lions? Why was it so terrible and cruel, the death of those men and women who lived in constant prayer, just to please the "God" who dwells in heaven? What kind of God is this who allowed his prophets and apostles to die terrible deaths? Some were hanged, others were stoned, still others were flayed alive, some were dragged by horses through the streets of Jerusalem.

Why was their fate sealed with such painful and agonizing deaths? Even Jesus Christ, according to the Gospel accounts, went through various tortures and died a cruel death. What kind of God is this that let people do absurd things to his son? After all, isn't Jesus Christ, the son of God, according to the Scriptures? Why didn't he get, say, a "VIP treatment," no pain, no torture? Why did Jesus Christ, the Savior Messiah, according to the Holy Scriptures, have to be beaten cowardly, after being tried and condemned, owing nothing?

It is these things that I cannot understand. And I am not alone in this. What kind of God is it that is holy, pure and just; but allows the debauchery and mockery of the gay movement, mocking his word many times; receiving affronts even from some gays and lesbians who decide to open "inclusive churches", to continue the practice of homosexuality? Where is this holy God? Where is the God of the Bible, who is a consuming fire? Where is this God who allows false prophets to arise, using his name in vain? Why does God allow false religious leaders (like Jim Jones, Marshall Applewhite, David Koresh...) to lead people to madness, to destruction, to collective suicide?

I saw many things that made me sad and discouraged about God and religions. So I decided to abandon faith and live my own way. I got tired of looking for answers. I was really tired! I lost faith in God and became an atheist. Today I can say that I feel good, as much as possible. I may be wrong, but that is how I feel in my heart today. I also want to say that I am not "inviting" you to be an atheist. I am not trying to manipulate you in any way. I am just explaining to you what made me become the person I am today. I don't want to "anesthetize" anyone!

I am not some kind of "indoctrinator" who seeks new believers for atheism. Nor do I follow atheists who have become famous for their books and teachings. I have my own style and I don't need to join a certain "atheist club" to feel good. And I am sure that there are thousands of people who have had these questions in their hearts and have always searched for answers. Many may judge me or think that I have gone crazy. But as far as I know, asking questions is not a sin. Or is it?

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"And I stood on the sand of the sea, and saw a beast rising up out of the sea, having seven heads and ten horns, and on the horns ten diadems, and on the heads a blasphemous name. And the beast which I saw was like a leopard, and his feet were like the feet of a bear, and his mouth like the mouth of a lion; and the dragon gave him his power, and his throne, and great authority. And I saw one of his heads as if it had been mortally wounded, and his deadly wound was healed; and all the earth wondered after the beast. And they worshiped the dragon who gave his power to the beast; and they worshiped the beast, saying, 'Who is like the beast? Who is able to do battle with him? And there was given to him a mouth speaking great things and blasphemies; and power was given to him to continue forty-two months. And he opened his mouth in blasphemy against God, to blaspheme His name."- Revelation 13:1-6

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The Atheist (the metamorphosis)

Suzano, São Paulo - Brazil