Who Would Ever Believe It?

Who would ever believe it?

Text in Portuguese by Ana Esther published in 2004

English version by Ana Esther (June 2005)

Olaf Kraus

Blumengarten Strasse, 65-B

D-13456 München

7 Nov 2003

Department of Culture and Tourism

Papeete, Tahiti

Dear Sirs

My name is Olaf Kraus and last March I visited Tahiti on my honeymoon. Your country is really charming and my wife and I enjoyed our stay very much. The aim of this letter is to ask you a favour which will have the power to avoid my untimely divorce. My marriage is in your hands and it may come to an end if you do not answer my request. Please send my a copy of the Tahitian film The Last Party directed by Sebastien Didier together with some publicity material. I know it sounds weird but it is of vital importance to me and I ask you to send them as soon as possible. I will pay all costs you may have in order to comply with my request.

Thank you very much and I look forward to hearing from you.

Olaf Kraus

Bärbel and I got married last March and we decided to spend our honeymoon on a paradisiacal place so as to have a very special start to our new life that was just about to begin. After much indecision before so many options we made up our minds for Tahiti. Our travel agent brought us some not quite ‘comfortable’ news, we would have to leave church straight to the airport if we were to get the promotional offer for our tour package. Even having to give up the party we had planned we accepted it and even got to like the idea because we could use this money for extra tours in Tahiti instead.

Everything went just as we wished. Our family and friends congratulated us right there at the church and some of them have even followed us to the airport playing tricks for the just-married couple. It was a day of great joy for both of us. Determined as we were, we resigned to take the long flight well behaved for we had seats just next to an elderly couple, very charming but too talkative for a couple in their honeymoon…We could but exchange some shy and occasional kisses.

Finally, we landed in Papeete where our group had been waited for transfer. After some confusion, we headed for the hotel, everybody seemed so exhausted that we haven’t taken any pleasure in the landscape on the way. We settled in our rooms and although there was a courtesy dinner included we declined it. Bärbel and I would rather enjoy each other, after all, we were unbelievably on our own after so many hours from our wedding ceremony.

The more we tried to disguise it the more our happiness glowed in our face. Whenever possible we explored the island on our own and would only join the group when the tour was included in the package. Just like as it happened at our last night in Tahiti. As a farewell get-together, there was a cruise with a dinner party already scheduled. When the van got to our hotel to take us to the marina, Max, a tour mate, was not feeling well and I saw him to his room. Bärbel got into the van to ask the driver to wait a while for us. I put Max on his bed and he assured me he just felt exhausted and a good night sleep could do him wonders. I left him then and hoped I cold join the group but to my utter surprise I realized the van had already left… taking Bärbel along!

Anxious not to miss the yacht I called a taxi and asked the driver to speed up. Everything was alright till we got to an intersection on the road leading to the marina. It was a sea… of cars! All of them just stopped one after the other on a gigantic traffic jam –considering the local population. I started sweating, we had been waiting for ten minutes and were not likely to move out before long. However, as the driver reckoned I was a European tourist he turned the car aside and forced his way over the pavement scaring whoever happened to cross our way. All that nuisance was due to a sports car which had just collided against a tree causing it to fall down in the middle of the road. Thanks to his bold move we got at the marina and saw the yacht moored there... that was close! Obviously, I had to give the dedicated driver a fat tip and then dashed towards the yacht.

I was very lucky to get on board just when there was no one to collect the vouchers as mine was in Bärbel’s purse. Once safe and sound on the deck I tried to look for her. There were lots of people smartly dressed, they didn’t look like tourists at all, and it surprised me to hear conversation in French rather than German, where were the members of my group? I couldn’t recognise anybody. I heard some shouting and felt some agitation and rushing on the crew’s part. All of a sudden, a young woman addressed me in French calling me Richard and started hugging and kissing me. I felt a little awkward and didn’t know what to do, what if Bärbel saw that? I tried to get rid of her arms but then she grabbed me and pulled me by the hand towards her friends. The yacht had just left the marina and we sailed under the moonlight and starry sky. As my attacker’s lady friends saw me they reached out towards me desperately, hugged me all at the same time, they fought to grab me and ended up by tearing my shirt off. The more I tried to speak or push them away and beg them to leave me alone the less they heeded, they would keep on fighting for me as though possessed.

For a moment I believed to be rid of them, just when a young man sent them away, put his arm around my shoulders and spoke to me in French, always calling me Richard. As far as I could grasp he referred to a Bachelor Party …a surprise party…call girls… friends celebrating…Then, someone called him and off he went leaving me to the three insatiable women who kissed me furiously and incessantly. As if in a nightmare I tried in vain to find Bärbel somewhere on the yacht. To my terror, there appeared several masked men carrying guns and firing all over the place. I tried to hide away, I ran like a fool imagining where Bärbel was, I needed to find her and keep her safely away from those dangerous criminals. They kept on firing ceaselessly. The young women who had been suffocating me with their kisses were now suffocated by the bullets… and lay down on the floor in a blood pool. Goodness me, where was Bärbel, I yelled her name, I went crazy.

It seemed the gunmen had managed to kill everyone on board except me. I still had time to wonder about their bad aim, they surely had had the chance to kill me any time. I was finally surrounded by the gang. Sweat ran down my face, where was Bärbel? I yelled, in German, hoping to know about my wife. They stared at themselves and said to me, still in French, words which I could hardly make any sense of so nervous I was. Something like ‘time to die’! They all aimed at me and discharged in my direction, laughing frantically. I felt the pressure on my chest and saw blood bursting through my shirt, dead scared I ducked on the floor… they wouldn’t stop shooting at me but even so I didn’t seem to be dying at all. Even though I should have more bullet holes than a sieve I actually felt very well despite the panic.

At last, the criminals stopped the firing. The dead women started to stand up. Everybody came to me, holding me, shaking hands, patting me on the shoulder. They all hugged each other, laughed, drank some beer, sang, jumped up and down. And I stood there flabbergasted. Was I dead and hadn’t noticed it? As I tried to overcome the last few seconds of my life, a man approached me, clapped his hands so as to incite people there to listen to him. He made a speech in such good French that I could perfectly understand him. He addressed them all to thank for their presence and wholehearted dedication. He informed them that this had been a successful shooting, it wouldn’t be necessary to repeat the scene for everything came out as planned, 100% natural, a brand new technique of experimental moviemaking, a hallmark in the history of Tahitian film industry. He then turned to me and thanked me for participating in his project and revealed to the artists the fact that the great actor Schultz Fomm had agreed to play this role for free and had donated his cash to some local charity organizations. They applauded me enthusiastically and demanded a speech.

Having realized I just had had a kind, though unaware, part in a film… I felt it was my duty to reveal my true identity and clear up the mistake. Lots of laughter, not only have they not believed me but, what’s more, they took me for a born comic. I was saved by the ringing of Director Sebastien Didier’s mobile phone. We saw his face taking up an air of incredulity: he was just told about the accident which prevented Schultz Fomm to arrive at the movie set. His car crashed against a tree… That tree! But how about Bärbel, where was she? Sebastien Didier explained to me then that a few minutes before we left there was this other yacht at the marina which weighed anchor packed with tourists… I relaxed then and, encouraged by a surprised Didier and his team of artists, we all decided to celebrate this most incredible of nights in our lives on our way back to the marina. I danced with my ‘attackers’ who this time happened to be very civilized indeed and we even chatted with our friendly ‘bandits’.

Back at the marina, we left the yacht with the sensation we belonged in a big family. Didier told me I could get a copy of his film, in case I wanted it, in a matter of a few months, I just had to contact the Department of Culture and Tourism. We swapped our personal addresses and said goodbye. One of the actors gave me a lift to the hotel and that was the end of my night as a movie star. At the hotel reception I was told that Bärbel was in our room, very anxious, watched over by a tour mate. I thanked the guy and ran up to our room dying to see her and explain everything.

Bärbel almost fainted when she saw me, she thought something horrible had happened to me. But then she observed my ragged shirt, lipstick over what was left of its fabric and the smell of strong perfume. I related the weird facts in detail including my despair for not having found her. I felt ever so happy to see her again that I failed to notice the changes in her face. She didn’t trust me and she would sooner believe I was having fun in a dirty party with no consideration at all for her. She cut me dead. She didn’t want to listen to me and refused to make up. The return to Germany on the following day was tainted by her sheer indifference and fiery eyes.

Our life was like hell and Bärbel would only agree on a truce until the day I handed her the supposed film. She has decided to make believe she trusted me but she wasn’t the same Bärbel. My grief is too great. Didier let me know that the movie would be available at the Department of Culture and Tourism of Tahiti from November on. They had decided to stick to that same version due to its originality and the actors’ ever so natural performance. Today I wrote a letter to the Department of Culture and Tourism requesting the delivery of the film… with a little luck my marriage will get back to normal… or definitely get to an end in case Bärbel disapproves the ardent scenes… May God help me!

*This is the English version of my Tale 44, it's part of my first book of short stories "Terapia Ocupacional - Contos" (2004)

- Ana Esther [Balbão Pithan]