I owe you

My friend. She's coming back from a five month trip. My best friend is coming back from a fucking five month trip to another country. I was okay with that, I really was. And I'm still is. The problem is not her. The problem is me. I changed. Things changed me during these five months. Two weeks ago I would do anything to hug her in our birthday. Today, I would do that too, but after that I don't know what would happen. I owe her this. I owe her a big welcome back party. She's just amazing. She is a dreamer. She helps me. She cares about me. And here I am, all messed up giving her some more things to worry about: my mental problems. I owe you this. I'm fighting a demon inside. Sorry. Lie. I don't have strength to fight this demon inside. I'm unsteady. You know that. Everybody does. Hold on. I'm asking you to hold on a little more. Sorry to disappoint you. Sorry for not being prepared to welcome you back with a big party you so deserve. Sorry for not being excited. Why now? I could totally be messed up when you just left, so now I would be just fine. But no, life does not care about days or months. It seems selfish right? Please, do not leave me. Hold on a little more. Do not give up. Not now. HANG ON! And wait. Sorry for saying bad things and making you worry about things you should not worry about. I thank God you are far away these days. Cause the way I am and I feel it's not good for anybody. I don't want to make anybody worried about me. I'm twenty. And I'm a mess. But it's my problem. It's not always rainbows and butterflies. I get that. We not always get what we want. And I fucking changed subject in this letter. It's more "I'm sorry" letter. Sorry for being such a bad person for you. You are still my person. You will always be. I just don't feel like infecting you with this shit right now. You are just too good for this. Too happy. Too cute. Too smart. Too good for this. Sorry D.