The end...

I think I will start this letter from my first mistake. It might be a good way to start everything I want to say before saying good bye to you for the last time. I know I have already said good bye many times, but now it is different. Starting from the very first mistake I've made might be a good way to get "inspiration" to say everything I want to.

When you said to me for the first time you were in love, I didn't believe in you. But it was that moment which has made me commit much more mistakes as a consequence of the earliest one. The earliest mistake was to think about you for a long time after your "declaration". From the moment you said those words on, I couldn't stop thinking of you. It was not love in the beginning. It was just a good way to forget about my unhappy life. Thinking about someone who thought me interesting and even beautiful was sweet. But I never knew that it would become so serious.

I still remember the day when I decided to tell you about the time I had been spending thinking about your words. So sweet words... I still remember all those things you used to tell me. I still remember you saying that some day I would fall in love! And I told you that I was thinking about your words. Oh, I curse that day so much because it was on it that you made me say I love you for the first time.

So was my first mistake: telling you about my thoughts. Through this first mistake it came the deepest one: saying I love you. I don't know why I said that. I couldn't imagine how serious the situation was being...

The whole story, I don't need to tell you. You know it very well. You know every single time we talked. You know all the promises we have made online. We fell in love! Ahh! So crazy lovers as you only used to say. I do remember the sweet words you said, I do remember the times you used to say "I love you like anything", I do remember the times I saw you on web cam, the way I showed myself to you and only to you. Oh, what a great sin I have commited! I was so blind that I could do so crazy things for you! I was so blind that I couldn't see the writting on the wall...

And I didn't give up! I have made the impossible to meet you. But I was blind, I was totally blind for love. I didn't need to travel, I did it for you only. And you know one thing? I couldn't travel that time! I invented a reason to travel! Nobody could understand my "fanaticism" for that trip. Everybody was against my decision, but they respected it. They had nothing else to do because I was determined!

Finally we met... This is another thing I don't need to tell here. But I still feel the first time I looked into your eyes. I remember your smile! You were right beside your blue car and I was talking on cell phone with my mother. I was talking to her but my heart was almost getting off my body! Do you know why? Because I was seeing the man I loved! Because I knew from that moment on I couldn't get back and all my dreams would come true.

The first time you gave me a hug, the first kiss, the first time you touched me, the first time I tasted you, I smelled you... It was so good! I remember every detail even the man who tried to tell you where the hotel was when we got lost. He said many things in bad English, I understood somethings but not everything, I guess you understood more than me! I asked you: "Did you understand?" And you said: "No!" Funny, huh?! And when we finally found the hotel (we... I should say you, because I didn't help you in that lovely duty!), I remember that I put my arms on your shoulders and laid my head on them. I still feel the smell of your skin, the taste of your mouth. I remember the first time you touched my body, my breast, my belly, my legs, my hands and even my hips... I remember your kisses on my neck and the moment you laid me down on bed. I remember everything we talked about that night. I remember your voice, your words. I remember you saying I love you and the moment when I asked you to say that again and again. Wasn't it a dream coming true? For me it was!

The other weekend was also wonderful. And I remember everything from the moment we met to the moment I said bye. I remember the songs it was playing in your car. I remember your right hand on my leg while driving. I remember my sensation to see it, to feel it... I remember my thoughts! I remember the times we made love. And it was in that last morning when I started realizing that the dream was almost over! The last time you came on the top of me on that Sunday morning was a mix of happiness and sadness. Happines to know that I was plenty feeling the man with whom I had shared the most beautiful moments of my life and sadness because I knew that the end of the dream was starting at that right moment.

It was at that time that I realized you wouldn't be my man forever as I wanted to. At that moment I realized I wouldn't live with you and it was at that time I wished to die in your arms so that I could die happy. I didn't show you how I was feeling like, I just asked you to stay some time more with me. When you said bye on that day, my heart broke off in two and one part went away with you. I have never been happy again since I saw your last smile to me. I didn't want to cry in front of you, but the truth is my heart was crying so much here inside, as it still cries for not having you by my side.

The end of our story was put when I saw your car disappearing into the traffic. I can feel the same sadness again when I remember that moment. I was holding my bag and watching your car while going away until the moment I couldn't see it anymore. So, I gave my back to the street (nothing else would matter there, you were no longer there) and went to my bedroom. I cried for hours in the bathroom, I cried so much remembering the wonderful moments I had spent with you. And so was the end of my dream...

You called me before I left the USA. Your call is still on my cellphone... The time, the number, the date. Sometimes I charge that cellphone and turn it on just to listen to its ring and see your last call. Weired? It might be! But this is the way I found to alleviate my pain. And when I do it, I remember that I had the privilege of sleeping in your arms once in my life. But the saddest thing is knowing that I won't ever feell it again. There is someone else who is going to get all I have wanted for so long and when I think about it, the jealousy burns my heart like fire. When I think that there is someone who is going to live the life I wanted to live I can't help my tears. Yes, she is going to spend her life by your side just like I wish I could do. She is going to raise a family with you, she is going to give you children as I won't ever do. Why?

You know... I have never wanted anyone like this. It's so crazy to know that you have come so late into my life. It is so cruel to know that my destiny is not by your side. I wish I could do something to impeed her to become your wife. Ah, I hate saying this. I wanted to be yours. I wanted to give you all love you need, but I guess you wouldn't trust in me like that.

And now it is time to say good bye. I know nothing lasts forever and our story should also have an end just like everything in life. But the end I wanted was living by your side for the rest of my life and die with you watching our grandchildren playing in a garden. Just dreams! But now, it is time to face the life as it really is: without you!

I really hope life doesn't treat you so bad as it did to me. I wish you love and happiness even without me, because when we love someone we want to see his happiness at any cost. It doesn't matter if you can't be with me as I wanted to... I just wish you all good things! As for me, I will live my life with only one sureness: love happens only once in life and the love of my life was you.