Lips of excellence

Hello,

How are you doing? Hope you are fine. I have some crazy things to say, but they are important for the process I have to pass. Please don't get bored with my illuded words, but don't even dare to despise them completely.

I thought a lot of you, more than I should. Things were very different from what I expected, but it doesn't mean it was worse. I think somehow it happened in such a way I took advantage from it. I was struggling all the time if I were supposed to try a little deeper involvement with you, or if I ought to stay away so that my heart didn't get any hurt. That was very complicated for me, and since the very first time I met you I pondered which direction I would take. I took both. That must explain my weird attitude when I was with you... shame on me!

But all at once - although I faced a little hard time - I found out we are friends, and maybe I was misunderstanding what was admiration and passion. I have had this crush on you for so long that maybe I stopped observing what is the truth about me and you. It is neither easy nor practical... you are thousands of miles away, you don't feel anything for me, you have no desire at all toward me, you are too much you to be anytime a little me. Excuses of rejection...

I kissed your forehead as I was kissing your history, your memories because you are a kind of one I would appreciate to be. I kissed your lips because I envy your words of excellence in English. But I have nothing to offer you and I, as I don't want to beat around the bush, I am not what could please you. But my fantasies live as long as I keep them. And I don't know really which I am going to do concerning the feelings I have now.

It's not I was longing for sexual intercourse... there were times I felt I wasn't, there were time all of a sudden I felt like not wasting another chance. But I missed your tenderness, your love - even an uncommitted one - just for that time, just for me to achieve a young-set illusion. But you made me aware of my way, of who I am inside of this turbulance and I confess I am not your number. I am jealous, because I fear you are going to be with E.. If you do, don't tell me now. One day I will very naturally ask about your love life and you will say yes for a couple of questions I will make and then I will have my answer.

What I am really sorry about it is that I tried to suffer but I couldn't. I mean why would I? I never thought I would date you anyway, and I never liked things that end fast... at least I can - if I want to - pretend I have still this crush on you and that I could love you and get some nice answers in return. But what I have for you isn't love, it is something like vanity... of being in love? Who knows? Of being in self-pity, of being devasting myself, of creating myself a dream that will keep me alive, once I will never reach it. You are someone I have to lose so that I can still feel I might have.

I miss you... I magine how it would be to meet you again, and I even went back to U.. But I couldn't let you know, I couldn't allow me to be so weak... or to pretend so much. You and I are going to be an eternal concept of what I have desired the most, of what I have avoided the most.

Only I hope the time you spent with me might has been good so that you don't forget about me. Thank you for everything S. . I will always remember you fancy.

Love ya. Should I? :)

Take good care.

Yours,